The last time I had people over, I felt the whole night was kind of…flat.
So I went to an expertwho told me exactly what I’ve been doing wrong.
I couldnt understand it: Id spent hours making a killer mushroom lasagna.
Photo: Anne Bentley
Id scrubbed and decluttered the apartment.
Id toiled over the music playlist.
Yet the whole evening was just kind of…blah.
We all made chitchat, but it was a bit labored and punctuated by awkward silences.
I dont get it, I thought in a mild panic.
Why isnt this happening?
Why do so many get-togethers leave us feeling vaguely unsatisfied and a little hollow?
All thats required is a little planning and a few simple changes.
Before you begin planning an event, ask yourself two questions: Why are we gathering?
and Why is it important?
Every time you reach a deeper reason, ask why again.
Sometimes it takes four answers to drill down to the real objective, says Parker.
If the answer is, Well, this is the way weve always done it, keep digging.
Ask yourself, Does this gathering reflect my values?
And if not, how can I change it so it does?
At first, my answer was, Because its fun to hang out.
Its tempting to book a massive venue for your shindig, but bigger is not better, says Parker.
If youre hosting a large group, build in contained areas for people to congregate.
Gatherings need perimeters, or all the buzzy energy leaks out.
She urged me to put myself out there when I emailed the invite to my Worn-Out Mom Hootenanny.
(If you want your gathering to feel authentic, it starts with you.)
In that vein, I wanted to throw a party to make us all feel cared for.
Lets order in something special so no one has to cook.
Also: Say the word kids at any point in the evening and you have to drink.
All six friends RSVPd yes within the hour.
Yet we often pay the least amount of attention to how we open and close an event.
We treat it as an afterthought and focus on the logistics and food instead, says Parker.
Its such a missed opportunity.
She says starting and ending an event doesnt have to involve grand gestures or speeches.
Im not the announcement bang out, but I plunged in anyway.
And grateful that we could gather around the table on a blustery night.
My friends all burst into applause.
If Youre Going to Host, Host With Rules
Youre the glue that binds everyone together.
No one wants to be in a lawless place, says Parker.
Dont leave your guests to themselves.
Your job is to protect, connect, and equalize them.
That means using your power: If someone is domineering the table, take back the conversation.
And make introductions, even if its a quick Melissa, meet Jakeyou both have Chihuahuas!
This prevents separate conversations at either end.
Strive to keep conversations real.
Dont be afraid to get intimate.
To inspire a lively discussion, Parker devised a dinner called 15 Toasts.
but those that had a darker side to them: fear, strangers, borders.
It makes the conversation richer and rawer, she says.
Far too many gatherings are run on a cult of positivity.
Do that, says Parker, and armor falls off.
I tried it at a friends housewarming party; two hours later, we were still on the subject.
Some of us got tearyand I learned revelatory new things about friends I had known for decades.
Another shared his immigrant mothers wearisome struggles to assimilate and how that shaped his ambition.
A third talked about the day she decided to quit her lucrative job to escape a toxic boss.
During a dinner party, ask, Which parts of your life have been a waste of time?
(Its a question that always works, she says.)
Guests want structure and direction, says Parkerso signal the end with an exit line.
Then end with a personal touch by walking each guest to the door to say goodbye.
Prolong the warmth by handing them a small keepsake or treat as they head out.
My friends still talk about that bowl of candy bars.
These are tiny little acts, says Parker.
But they add up to something bigger.
They say, You matter.
